Neverland

I spent my day laying in the warm, overgrown grass in my backyard. Blackbird by Sarah McLachlan playing over and over in my ears. I stared at the tree branches above me and longed to slowly rise through them and fly away, soar up to the sky and never let my feet touch the ground again. My psychiatrist says it is normal to wish for ignorance but I have to push through the falsehoods and realities in my life that give me anxiety if I ever want to conquer them.

He motioned towards the tattoo on my collarbone, the one that says "You cannot conquer what you won't confront". He asked me why I got it. It was before my assault when I branded myself with this "pretty" quote. Of course it held some meaning to me back then but I didn't have nearly as much to conquer at the time. I didn't have so much to confront. 

I'm supposed to try to leave the house as often as possible. Even if I just drive to the grocery store parking lot for five minutes then come home but all I want to do is put my headphones in my ears blasting them so loud that I can't even hear my own thoughts. I want to close my eyes and fly away. I'm not looking for a place like France, Spain, Africa. I want to fly to Neverland, to Hogwarts, to Wonderland. Somewhere that has a different reality. Somewhere with tiny bottled drinks that can make me small enough that I can hide away. No matter how much I try there is no hiding, because what I wish to escape from is inside of me. 

I watched the movie Host recently and it was a beautiful comparison to my situation. I often feel as though I share my body with another being. My PTSD has a life of it's own. It makes my legs shake, my eyes water, my heart race, my skin sweat and I battle quietly inside my head with it pleading with it to find a new home. It makes me see and hear things that aren't really there, not anymore they aren't. It makes me irrational and angry and the combination leaves me lonely. 

It is hard to remember why I fight all of this. What future do I have right now? The days roll by so slowly, and I fear I have little to look forward to. Then every now and then I have a day where I wake up and for no explained reason I'm me again. The sun shines again, the coffee tastes amazing again and I feel like Tegan. It may last the whole day, it may last only an hour but I love the time I get with that girl every time she wakes up. It is like looking at yourself in the mirror except you are the reflection. You see yourself in a distant third person kind of way. That can happen when you talk about yourself so much I guess. 

If you haven't heard the song, you should. The link is below.

Goodnight Neverland...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8ac3tEltTU